On this branch

Recently , two paths has been created on this part of my life. I've been forcing myself real hard to go to the right one so that I wouldn't be such a hypocrite. But recently...

I stupidly took my nerves to find her. Keep finding her... And keep finding her... Till one day , she really frustrates on me. This rainbow doesn't want to see me again. She no longer wants to treat me the way before. It's over to her. So now two paths has opened. One , a path that I just go on hopefully she can find her way back there. Or two.... Forget her. Just as how I forgotten all of them... The society I loved.. The people I used to care for and no longer care for them... People who seemed to be out of my reach. The most cruel way yet an instant feeling getaway. However , these feelings will be so far away... Loving people would never be the same....

I am tempted to follow this... This awful path would just make history happen again. Although it is very fast acting.. Rather effective since I have one of the requirements.. But how? I would then be a hypocrite and just the same old self... Yup... The same old guy that suppose to change in a new way.. And just does the same mistakes all over again. I don't like this idea... Because then I would have to start all over again...? Then I would have to say.. Sigh.. I'm not like you.

As much as I say I love others... But when it comes to this... What can I do to mean it?

Others

Hmm.. Thinking about some pals. It's just that.. some have this problem.. some have that. Never ending problems. Ha..Ha... Sigh.. Yup. Even I have problems. But I always put myself last.

I have 2 friends whom they lost their dads. They are still living.. But they got no a father where they can say " Did I make you proud , dad? " or " See , dad! I did it! " Sigh.. Most guys would want to show their dads that they can do it. Yup , they can definitely able to do it. To surpass their dads. To tell their dad , don't worry about me.

Then while others have financial problem. Their disability to help their parents to lighten the burden. So they do as much as they can to please them , not adding more troubles. Obeying them , not causing any trouble. So to them , family comes first.

Then there's the one with relationships problems. Their problem with their families , their problem with their friends or loved ones.. Or problems with the society... Sigh.. Worrying his sister would not be the same. Hmm.. Been looking at this guy. He's concern over his sister.. He would wish his sister would one day return.

Then there's others whom their problems would be hidden. No one can see. It is very well hidden. I wish I could listen up to their hearts.

Hmm.. Wondered is there anyone like me out there... Right now , I'm blacklisted... The feeling of having a criminal record. The feeling of " You are out of here ". Sigh.. We are no longer brothers and sisters? .... Really..? My biggest fear.. Little to say because... Because what can I do besides praying about this...?

And also this person.. Like and love her a lot.. But she wants to forget me... I don't know... Although I tend to put myself last... But it kinda hurts. That someone used to like/love you then one day had to let this go... I thought we could continue our relationship like last time.. Though I don't want to force her.. It just hurts.. I want to know how she's been doing even though it has only been days. She was lonely and yet I couldn't reach out to her.. I want to.. But she doesn't seemed to... I don't like how things are going if this goes on.

Finally..

I will meet you guys again. I still can't believe I missed you guys... But you guys also don't miss me. Haha.. It doesn't matter I guess... It doesn't matter one bit... Hmm.. Though it has only been a month... Sigh. Darn those feelings. Anyway I wish to say something in front of you guys for the first and last time? Haha... Heck. Hopefully it will be a great memory or you all could show me some changes? Let's just see.....

Sigh... I don't know what to think about this.. If I ever forget this.. I'll just be repeating the same thing I did last time... I wouldn't want that. It hurts... Where the feelings are just lost... Gone.. Disappear.. Vanish.. So many other words can describe this... Sigh.. If it's over then... Just saying that if this ever happens... then chances are high that I wouldn't be bothered about this... Surely I said that I'll try my best... But every effort I make.. Hurts me. So just persevere? Haha... I don't mind.. But I just looked back.. Haha.. It's no wonder she wants to forget... It's like I'm seeing a different person now.. I don't want that.. I want to see the same person that I met and knew more about... That person whom I felt that we were becoming closer and closer each day.. Not worse and worse.. and not another fake person with fake feelings.

What happened to this and what happened to that?

Wo bu xi wang zhe ge dong xi fa shen.. Mei you ren ye shi yao de.. Dan shi gen wo jiang zhe me ke yi jiang zhi liao...

But for now... Sorry.. Getting tired... Going to be over soon... Few more then I'll become that heartless person that they were... No difference between me and them...

Relationships....

Sigh... I already see so many people together... First they're together.. then they're off... Then together again. .... Yup. Many. If me I don't want to have this kind of relationship. So.... learn how to love first. Everyone is able to do it.. Since everyone wants to get the love back... Who doesn't...?

But if feel a little weird about me... I never think about myself... But yet , let's say I saw her being with another guy... Sigh... It kills me. Hmm.. But then again , I shouldn't be worrying about this.. Jealousy is not love at all... Love is something like... If you love him/her then you should be able to even die for him/her... Haha.. yup.. Genuine love is like that de la...

Hmm.. While on my side... Never experience this experience... But the path I did. It was nice. How I wish it could continue though... But I'm afraid I'm still learning... I don't want to keep hurting her. Don't want to keep hurting them... Yes... Then there's the another them... Sigh... Need to love them even though how terrible they treated me... Or at least that was how I felt.

Right now... I wish I could fix things between her and me... We said we wanted to make it like last time... Like when we just met each other... But now I don't feel it at all. Haha... Guess I wanted her to treat me the same...? Sigh... I just don't like the same thing happening again. And sigh... Want to know her more becomes " If I'm free I'll reply you.. " Haha... It really kills though...

Sigh... I don't know now whether I should try my best or not... Or just let it flow...? Whatever happens , happens? So short... Yet there's misunderstanding... Haha... I don't know why... It would be nice to hear that she cares for me still... While on my side... I'm still trying to not to let this to be empty... If it's empty.. I don't know how to go on... Sigh..

One heck of a journey...

Sigh.. The more I go through this.. The more I feel the ups and downs. Why can't we make it like last time as we said.. If she is then it's ok.. However , I just don't feel it.. Instead what I feel is the avoidance , and all that feedback I've received all these while.. I don't want that.. Because I slightly know what will happen if this continues... Sigh... I thought it can be different.. I don't know anymore.. I don't want to take anymore guesses... Now I hope that this thing can go smoothly.. But I cannot take so many problems... Sigh... I wished I didn't had that problem.. Then things would go in a much smoother way... I wished I hadn't went through that path... But I think I should be glad a little bit...

So... I do what I can to continue... I want to say that I'm sorry if I ever hurt or enrage her... Also hoping that she don't misunderstand...

Sigh.. I don't know which seems right anymore for this case...

Looked back and comparing

I don't want to look back and say "How I miss those days" or "I could have done something." You know , those words.. I don't really like it..

Because this was really close... Now I felt the gap has widen.. And it will continue..

And I prefer if things were growing rather than swinging lo..Don't really like ups and down... Relationships should be like that meh..? Kinda hate it...

Sigh... Felt like last time was better... If I'm more like her then it shouldn't be a problem , I guess.. Sigh..