On this branch

Recently , two paths has been created on this part of my life. I've been forcing myself real hard to go to the right one so that I wouldn't be such a hypocrite. But recently...

I stupidly took my nerves to find her. Keep finding her... And keep finding her... Till one day , she really frustrates on me. This rainbow doesn't want to see me again. She no longer wants to treat me the way before. It's over to her. So now two paths has opened. One , a path that I just go on hopefully she can find her way back there. Or two.... Forget her. Just as how I forgotten all of them... The society I loved.. The people I used to care for and no longer care for them... People who seemed to be out of my reach. The most cruel way yet an instant feeling getaway. However , these feelings will be so far away... Loving people would never be the same....

I am tempted to follow this... This awful path would just make history happen again. Although it is very fast acting.. Rather effective since I have one of the requirements.. But how? I would then be a hypocrite and just the same old self... Yup... The same old guy that suppose to change in a new way.. And just does the same mistakes all over again. I don't like this idea... Because then I would have to start all over again...? Then I would have to say.. Sigh.. I'm not like you.

As much as I say I love others... But when it comes to this... What can I do to mean it?

Others

Hmm.. Thinking about some pals. It's just that.. some have this problem.. some have that. Never ending problems. Ha..Ha... Sigh.. Yup. Even I have problems. But I always put myself last.

I have 2 friends whom they lost their dads. They are still living.. But they got no a father where they can say " Did I make you proud , dad? " or " See , dad! I did it! " Sigh.. Most guys would want to show their dads that they can do it. Yup , they can definitely able to do it. To surpass their dads. To tell their dad , don't worry about me.

Then while others have financial problem. Their disability to help their parents to lighten the burden. So they do as much as they can to please them , not adding more troubles. Obeying them , not causing any trouble. So to them , family comes first.

Then there's the one with relationships problems. Their problem with their families , their problem with their friends or loved ones.. Or problems with the society... Sigh.. Worrying his sister would not be the same. Hmm.. Been looking at this guy. He's concern over his sister.. He would wish his sister would one day return.

Then there's others whom their problems would be hidden. No one can see. It is very well hidden. I wish I could listen up to their hearts.

Hmm.. Wondered is there anyone like me out there... Right now , I'm blacklisted... The feeling of having a criminal record. The feeling of " You are out of here ". Sigh.. We are no longer brothers and sisters? .... Really..? My biggest fear.. Little to say because... Because what can I do besides praying about this...?

And also this person.. Like and love her a lot.. But she wants to forget me... I don't know... Although I tend to put myself last... But it kinda hurts. That someone used to like/love you then one day had to let this go... I thought we could continue our relationship like last time.. Though I don't want to force her.. It just hurts.. I want to know how she's been doing even though it has only been days. She was lonely and yet I couldn't reach out to her.. I want to.. But she doesn't seemed to... I don't like how things are going if this goes on.

Finally..

I will meet you guys again. I still can't believe I missed you guys... But you guys also don't miss me. Haha.. It doesn't matter I guess... It doesn't matter one bit... Hmm.. Though it has only been a month... Sigh. Darn those feelings. Anyway I wish to say something in front of you guys for the first and last time? Haha... Heck. Hopefully it will be a great memory or you all could show me some changes? Let's just see.....

Sigh... I don't know what to think about this.. If I ever forget this.. I'll just be repeating the same thing I did last time... I wouldn't want that. It hurts... Where the feelings are just lost... Gone.. Disappear.. Vanish.. So many other words can describe this... Sigh.. If it's over then... Just saying that if this ever happens... then chances are high that I wouldn't be bothered about this... Surely I said that I'll try my best... But every effort I make.. Hurts me. So just persevere? Haha... I don't mind.. But I just looked back.. Haha.. It's no wonder she wants to forget... It's like I'm seeing a different person now.. I don't want that.. I want to see the same person that I met and knew more about... That person whom I felt that we were becoming closer and closer each day.. Not worse and worse.. and not another fake person with fake feelings.

What happened to this and what happened to that?

Wo bu xi wang zhe ge dong xi fa shen.. Mei you ren ye shi yao de.. Dan shi gen wo jiang zhe me ke yi jiang zhi liao...

But for now... Sorry.. Getting tired... Going to be over soon... Few more then I'll become that heartless person that they were... No difference between me and them...

Relationships....

Sigh... I already see so many people together... First they're together.. then they're off... Then together again. .... Yup. Many. If me I don't want to have this kind of relationship. So.... learn how to love first. Everyone is able to do it.. Since everyone wants to get the love back... Who doesn't...?

But if feel a little weird about me... I never think about myself... But yet , let's say I saw her being with another guy... Sigh... It kills me. Hmm.. But then again , I shouldn't be worrying about this.. Jealousy is not love at all... Love is something like... If you love him/her then you should be able to even die for him/her... Haha.. yup.. Genuine love is like that de la...

Hmm.. While on my side... Never experience this experience... But the path I did. It was nice. How I wish it could continue though... But I'm afraid I'm still learning... I don't want to keep hurting her. Don't want to keep hurting them... Yes... Then there's the another them... Sigh... Need to love them even though how terrible they treated me... Or at least that was how I felt.

Right now... I wish I could fix things between her and me... We said we wanted to make it like last time... Like when we just met each other... But now I don't feel it at all. Haha... Guess I wanted her to treat me the same...? Sigh... I just don't like the same thing happening again. And sigh... Want to know her more becomes " If I'm free I'll reply you.. " Haha... It really kills though...

Sigh... I don't know now whether I should try my best or not... Or just let it flow...? Whatever happens , happens? So short... Yet there's misunderstanding... Haha... I don't know why... It would be nice to hear that she cares for me still... While on my side... I'm still trying to not to let this to be empty... If it's empty.. I don't know how to go on... Sigh..

One heck of a journey...

Sigh.. The more I go through this.. The more I feel the ups and downs. Why can't we make it like last time as we said.. If she is then it's ok.. However , I just don't feel it.. Instead what I feel is the avoidance , and all that feedback I've received all these while.. I don't want that.. Because I slightly know what will happen if this continues... Sigh... I thought it can be different.. I don't know anymore.. I don't want to take anymore guesses... Now I hope that this thing can go smoothly.. But I cannot take so many problems... Sigh... I wished I didn't had that problem.. Then things would go in a much smoother way... I wished I hadn't went through that path... But I think I should be glad a little bit...

So... I do what I can to continue... I want to say that I'm sorry if I ever hurt or enrage her... Also hoping that she don't misunderstand...

Sigh.. I don't know which seems right anymore for this case...

Looked back and comparing

I don't want to look back and say "How I miss those days" or "I could have done something." You know , those words.. I don't really like it..

Because this was really close... Now I felt the gap has widen.. And it will continue..

And I prefer if things were growing rather than swinging lo..Don't really like ups and down... Relationships should be like that meh..? Kinda hate it...

Sigh... Felt like last time was better... If I'm more like her then it shouldn't be a problem , I guess.. Sigh..

Felt like...

Sigh... A little sad here... Because this feeling felt like after breaking up when we weren't together in the first place... Can't we be together for a while..? But it will hurt more eventually , I guess.. Surely then I'll miss those days.. I hope that we could go on like how we were.. Because I'm now afraid things will changed to even worse.. I hate that kind of feeling.. When in the future I'll look back and say " Things were much better before.. "

.... I don't want to say that... But I guess... We'll have to see what the future lies in front of us... It's not like our own decided destiny will worked anyways... Sigh.. How I wish it could though...

Don't want to forget...

It's the first time I feel like this closeness with a girl.. Something like best friends... These whole time I enjoyed having conversations with her... Surely there are insecurities but I guess the next day everything turns out fine...

But only recently.. I feel like she is really forgetting that we ever had this kind of relationship... I wonder if it hurts for her... Because it is hurting me real badly here... I don't want to forget the times we spent messaging and talk over the phone.. I don't want to forget the time we spent together.. The moment she smiled at me.. The times she laughs when she hears me talk.. The times when says good night and morning to me.. The times when she said sorry when the night before she had to leave our conversation early.. The times when she is willing to accompany me when I'm alone.. The times when she worries about me...

I just want to improve our relationship... To know her more.. Not to make it worse... No...

Next level?

Sigh.. Nowadays I can't wait for another Sunday to be over... I enjoy the time when I see that I'm no longer going there.. Haha...

Ha... Ha... So for this bigger issue? I don't know.. I just know that He won't allow kua.. I don't know. Sigh..

Tell yourself and change?

Finally... I've decided to no longer to go there... Yeah... It has been killing me for about a year now... It kinda hurts during that moment.... My feelings towards them are no longer to be found.. My future with them can longer be built... My memories... Sorry to say but I would like to destroy it.

I would just want to end it...

I thought these ten over years meant something... But it did not mean anything... I was really wrong. Growing up there , to me was just a great act. It doesn't meant a thing at all...

Everytime I think about this.. I feel like punching something or kicking anything... Why was I so ignorant...? Sigh.. So tomorrow will be the last...? I really wish so... I really do!!! I don't want to step a single foot in there.. Good bye means good bye!

I compared myself and my family... I don't think any of them bonded or wanted to bond with these people... Only me.. The biggest idiot... Really thought that I could be part of this... Sigh...

My abilities

I don't understand. Why people are worried about me getting gf or having a relationship with a girl ar... I don't have that ability... I have try my hardest but definitely no girl will fall for me. I just hope they don't have to worry. People tend to get bored with me...

Memories That Are Built To Be Destroyed

I hear many people saying " My life is changing " and I say... " Mine too! ". Sigh... I don't know why... I look at this phone.. My old phone , filled with.. " I should never had done that.. " memories.. Then I see my present.. Am I walking the same path? Doesn't look any like it and I really wish I do not too.. I don't want to let history repeat... It kills... Enough? Is it enough? I want to stop... And take the other path... Then I'll say good bye... I just hope I can though... I'm afraid to return and be back the same or better... I don't want to walk on this path anymore.. No more...

Memories that are built to be destroyed...

Saigo No Christmas

Yeah.. Kinda the best christmas I had yesterday... Well.. I'm just glad...

It must start from a flower

If you live in me , you'll just seem want to have perfect things in life. The perfect mind , perfect body , perfect skills and many else. For me I don't really mind without these. But then again , I would love perfect relationships. I does not have to be the best but flawless.

I do believe that nothing much is perfect in this world. I don't mind. Even I am not perfect. It's cool. But I always dream of having perfect , let's say wife or girlfriend. I would like to meet her like let's say in my times of high school. She'll be like a girlfriend at first. We'll spend time together and she knows my nature. I like a girl who talks a lot because in that way I know she consider me someone that she'll share to.

I mean , I wish for the bonding of the relationship. Something like a close friend that I could think of everyday. Haha..

Well , if I could just forget about this then it'll be cool , I guess. I don't even know whether I would want to leave it to God. I don't know. Well one thing's for sure that I don't want to die alone.

Hmm.. Not comfortable writing this out. Not sure why am I so sharing-ful these days.

Anyone? - Left alone

Sigh. Left alone. Waiting. I did not know that there were no class today. Alone.

No one told me.

But that's okay. Nothing bad happened. Only RM10 for taxi. At least I'm still in good health. Still got time to study for tomorrow.

Just that been left out a lot. In my mind it's always playing " Like anyone cared " sigh.

Friends left me for few games at cyber cafe. At least I'm getting used to this.

And people asked me why I wanted to leave so badly.

If I Could Return To The Past

Truthfully , probably the only thing I regret the most is that I did not studied as much as I should. Others such like broken relationships , things that I should have never said or done... I mean , it's better if I could fix it.

Sigh , if only I focus in my studies.. But here I am always thinking which should I focus.. Which is necessary? Sigh..

And the bigger part of my life is always the people. How I am close to another person and those stuff. Often worry about how others think about me.. I know it's a weakness but.. Everytime I look at others , there are always the other people mocking one another or saying bad things behind that person's back. Why?

And to think about what I have done in these past few years... Sigh , and if I could change the past , I can change the present.

But I don't think we all should just be wishing to change what has happened. Instead , learn from mistakes. Get over it. Don't repeat the mistake someone else or yourself had made. We together can make a difference. Never give up!

Yeah.. I should apply this to my studies as well.. If only I had support. Not only from God but..

A Maple Story

I was thinking back on that online game I addicted into. It was Maple Story. A MMORPG where people play as a character they wish but not granted completely there. It was cool. When I started , I had friends , my best buds to accompany me. Especially the time all of us were low leveled and we were training together.

Many good times. Such as the job advancements in the game. I loved the moment when I have to wake up early just to participate in any party quests... *laughs*

But there were bad times. Most of the people I meet were real rude and bad towards me. But some weren't. I met that guy and girl. I remember there was this girl who was older than me and if we could we would chat on instant messenger. Then I would never forget that boy who would always message me on IM. Always playing games he was. That was just it.

I though back then , people have not even seen me has already gave me this " not comfortable " feeling already. This kind of feelings always tells me that people dislike me.

From here till then

First things first. I am a forgetful person. Another reason I'm writing in this blog is that maybe one day I could remind myself how immature I am now.. Or maybe how much I will or may change when I read this again.

So... I like to befriend with people.. I really don't see people from the outside because it's what inside it counts.. But too bad I don't think anyone is that cool with me. I wanted to be like my sis , have many friends.. But then again. I don't really know. Like having a relationship.. I wouldn't want to be a guy who thinks about a girl then have already plans about me and her and few months later forgotten about her.. I wouldn't treat my future wife like that.. Because isn't she suppose to be the one and only...? Having two wives is definitely a no although women's population is higher than men's..

I don't know about this stuffs at all..

Rejected?

I have this feeling. The feeling of being rejected. After a friend of mine told me that a girl who I had no special feelings towards her told me that she doesn't like me. So... Soo...?

I feel a bit sad even though... I never thought anything about her.

I do not understand this... This feeling felt like that I was rejected.

Maybe I'm just thinking that no one will ever like me.

And about self-pity... I don't know. I too wonder why I am so negative towards myself... Maybe because I think it is true?

It's just that the one I admire... I never really felt anything back. Sometimes I do.. I'm just afraid that it is just another false alarm.